Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Should I burn my house down?

This post is from my Myspace Blog dated August 2006. I just thought it deserved to be somewhere nicer! Enjoy.....




Okay, I know I have told some of you this traumatizing story but I feel that I must share this with everyone on earth because it is just the craziest thing in the world!
I work in sales so my day off is Monday. I use this day to be the laziest person in the world. If there were an award for laziness I would surely win it on this day. This past Monday I had set up camp on the couch with my half blind and completely deaf dog. He was snoozing on one side and I was channel surfing on the other. After about two hours of Rachel Ray and various snippets of about 30 movies I decided I needed to take a much needed visit to the bathroom. Now, hear is where it gets interesting......As I rose from my comfortable laziness on the couch my feet touched the floor and low and behold a F*****G SNAKE was striking at me!!!! Not a small baby garden snake, a huge mean ass snake almost 50 feet long and 30 inches in diameter! Okay, not really, but let me see you stand up in your living room and have a snake strike at you. That's how big it seemed at that moment. Actually it was about 2 1/2 - 3 feet long....that's a big snake when you are not expecting it! I don't really remember jumping completely out of my skin but it did happen. I found myself standing on the back of my couch screaming like a little bitch. It was almost an out of body experience....not really processing what I was seeing...almost like a dream. Finally I came back to reality and realized that I was probably going to have to burn my house down. I started wondering were the gas can was and the f****r struck at me again!!!! All this time my dog is still SLEEPING on the other end of the couch. Some help he was. I finally understood that I had to get the hell out of my house or I was going to be eaten slowly by this asshole that had been watching T.V. with me for no telling how long. "Sorry to have disturbed you slumber Mr. Snake." After my muscles thawed from the unexpected freezing, I climbed over every piece of furniture in my house. I was careful not to touch the floor because if I did I was sure that no one would ever hear from me again. I reached the door and bolted outside to the safety of my front porch which I was sure was going to be my new home for the next year. All I could think about was selling my house and moving far, far away. Thoughts of sleeping in my car, moving back in with my parents, moving in with friends and even becoming homeless all filtered through my brain. All of these ideas were much better than living with a snake in my house. For some reason I kept thinking about "Snakes on a Plane" and wondering if I could hire Samuel L. Jackson to rid my house of all the deadly creatures lurking in my living room. Finally I decided that I had to deal with it myself. But how? I've never had a snake in my house before so I didn't have any "rid-o-snake" tools lying around. Being the excellent gardener that I am, there happened to be a pair of hedge trimmers sitting next to the front door. No... I didn't chop it in half.....that would be to much blood and guts that I would have to clean up. Instead I had the brilliant idea of using it as a poking device. Not real sure how that was going to solve my problem but you come up with a better idea after you find a 50 foot long snake watching T.V. with you! I set off on my quest by peeking around the front door into the living room. There he was, sitting right where I had left him (Thank God). I proceeded to poke at "Little Satan" (my new nick-name for the beast) and of course he tried to kill the hedge clippers. This scared the s**t out of me and I ran outside, again. As I ran outside Little Satan slithered into my bathroom for refuge. Then somehow I gathered my composure once again and headed to the bathroom to confront this little asshole that had ruined my day off. As I headed in that direction I noticed a box full of books in the spare bedroom. All of the sudden a light bulb went off in my head......Round up Little Satan into the box!!! BRILLIANT! I dumped all the books out and attached the box to the end of my poking device. As I rounded the corner my nemesis was trying to crawl up the cabinet in the bathroom and of course the little f****r struck at me again. By this time I had had enough and it was on! I cornered him with my "rid-o-snake" device and low and behold I captured Little Satan. Victory at last!! NOT! (as Chandler Bing would say). I was too slow to close the lid on the box and Little Satan was again loose in my bathroom. Not to worry I thought...I am now a pro. I repeated my last move and this time did not allow that little son of a bitch to escape. There I was in my bathroom with Little Satan in a box. I was sweating like those people in Gatorade commercials. I slid the box all the way outside, refusing to pick it up because we all know that if you feel the snake moving around inside the box you will die. Finally the saga was over. The box was outside and the snake was not in my house. Although that really doesn't matter...I think I still need to burn my house down. And by the way....the dog was still asleep on the couch.

3 comments:

Angela said...

This story always makes me shudder! I read it on myspace and thought at first you were joking at first... yikes!!!! I'd have never been as brave as you!

Nicole said...

That could quite possibly be one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.

Krista said...

I think I need to vomit (both from the thought of a snake being anywhere near me unexpectedly, and from laughing at this blog). Did you ever determine how it got into the house?!? Eeek!