I'm not sure that anybody will even read this but it just feels good for me to write my thoughts. I have been going through a most impossible time in my life. I have no idea what my issues are and I am trying to solve them the best I can. I have badly hurt one of the most important people in my life and that is one of the most gut wrenching things to live through in life. My husband is a most wonderful man. He loves me to no end and would die for me. I have no doubts about that. Problem is, I don't love him. Those are some very harsh words to admit to yourself...let alone the world. It took me a very long time to say that outloud and once I did I realized that I had to move on to keep from making him miserable. He does not deserve to have half of a relationship, to have half of a wife, or to not have someone love him the way he should. I feel like a failure to him, to my parents and to God. I stayed with him for so long trying to make myself just love him, to make myself want to be with him. No matter what I did, I found myself back in the same situation. Do I have issues with love? Why is it so hard to allow someone to love me? My parents love me unconditionally yet I always find myself seeking there approval. When I feel the least little bit of guilt, that I did something wrong, that I have disappointed them in anyway, I can't face them. I tend to run from conflict. I never want to face my problems. If I run away, maybe they won't be there tomorrow. How can I learn to act right? I talk to God everyday yet I sometimes think he's not there. I feel no strength from him. Is it because I don't believe enough? Is it because I don't listen? My dogs are my strength in a way, and I don't even have them now. I can barley look at thier pictures without sobbing like a child. How can I not? They are the only beings in my life that do not judge me, not matter how fat, ugly, mad, sad or happy I am....they love me because I'm me. They look at me as if I am there world and they expect nothing from me but a meal and a pat on the head.

Wow, that felt good....my anxiety level is down ten-fold.

This and That

Well, my house is beginning to get back to normal. The kitchen has been cleaned but I still have no means of cooking so my cereal diet is going well. They are replacing most everything except the counter tops (amazingly they were not hurt a bit). We are going to try and do most of the work ourselves and save a little of the insurance money and buy a new fridge. There really wasn't that much cosmetic damage, just the black soot was on everything in the house. The cleaning company is there again today, and will be tomorrow, cleaning every inch of the entire house so it will be free from all that yuckiness. I can't wait until it's back to normal.

Anybody else hurting from this economic slow down? The company I work for is struggling bad. We laid off 3 people last month (we have 20 employees), cut out every body's bonus (year end and monthly) and cut out all overtime. I am a salaried employee so my income hasn't changed except my monthly bonus (I use that as play money) but the sales people and sales managers salaries have been cut in half! Most of our folks had at least 10 hours of overtime a week so that's a lot of money they will not have. And it's not like they are highly paid in the first place. I mean they aren't poor by any means but there overtime was their bread and butter. Something has to change.....and fast or I won't have a job soon. You just can't keep losing money month after month and expect to stay in business. Maybe I need a little time off.

We also have a new addition to the family. Yes, I know I am crazy, but when an animal needs a home, I always step up. His name is Harley and he is a 13 month old black lab. He is the CALMEST black lab puppy I have ever seen and he's HUGE! He loves all of my crackheads and fits right in. He isn't fixed yet and his owners are going to have that done for me. It was one of the conditions of us giving him a home. Dad, if you are reading this, I don't want to hear a peep out of you......you have doggie insurance for Mitzi so you have no room to talk! Anyway, I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not but I CANNOT resit him. Honestly, there are some dogs that I have fostered over the years that I was soooooo happy to get rid of, but this one is different. It's like he has been here the whole time. We'll see how it works out....He would make a great hunting dog but I don't hunt.

Maybe I should go do payroll.............

FIRE!!!

Well, my kitchen burned up this morning. I take that back. My kitchen burned half way up this morning. Let me tell you something......Go out now, get a fire proof safe, keep all your precious memories and important documents in it and if your house ever catches fire.....LET IT BURN!!! I'm talking all the way to the grown. Make sure the flames have made it through the roof and it is good and burning and then call the fire department. I have never seen such a mess in my entire life all because my good Samaritan neighbor came to the rescue with a fire extinguisher. Now I have half a burnt up kitchen, an entire house that smells like I'm at a camp-a-thon and white crap all over everything in my house. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that all is okay and I have such a great neighbor but COME ON!!! I could have had an entirely new house with all new furniture!! Things can be replaced, right? All of my important stuff in in storage in the back yard and I have a fire safe with old family pictures. Yeah, I would have lost all my clothes and all of the material stuff but none of it was sentimentaland none of it matters. I wouldn't have a headache from all of the great smoke smell either.

The fire clean-up folks well be her Monday so I guess I'll see what happens from there. Damn it man......I hate camping.

Wordless Wednesday: Papa and his new friend

I'm back!

My goodness I have been busy! Re-decorating, working, socializing and just living life. My husband and I cleaned out our spare bedroom which was basically used as a junk.storage room. When you live in a home that was built in the 20's you don't have a lot of storage space. DON'T take your closets for granted! All you people out there with huge walk in closets can kiss my big butt! I have 1 and a half....YEAH...one and a half closets in my house. I take up the one in our bedroom and my husband gets the rinky-dink one in the spare bedroom. And there not even real closets! They are all of two square feet and one of them has duct work running through it! It bites pretty bad but it's one of those things you deal with. I LOVE my house.....as tiny as it is...I wouldn't trade it for the world. We have been here for almost 9 years and don't plan an going anywhere anytime soon. There is a lot I want to do but this place is an ongoing project for us. We wouldn't know what to do if we weren't constantly fixing something or re-doing some part of our house.

This past week a good friend of mine's father died. It seems lately that I have a lot of friends who are losing there parents. Around Memorial Day another friend lost a father. Two weeks before, my uncle died (55 years old). Shortly after, my father lost one of his best friends. I was talking about it to an older lady that I work with.....about the fact that my friends are losing their parents....and she said "Just wait until those people are your peers". That really made me stop and realize that I ain't getting any younger! My life is passing right before my eyes and I don't even realize it. Tomorrow I will be retired (God willing) and shuffling around the grocery store arguing with my husband about which brand of toilet paper to buy! Where did my life go? It sure hasn't turned out the way I planned! I figured by now I would have at least two kids, staying at home and going to lunch with all my other stay-at-home Mom friends. Shows you how you can't plan your life!

Not wanting kids is another thing.....When you tell folks you don't want them, most people look at you like you are from another planet. Try explaining that to your parents. I might as well have told them that I am gay and plan on marrying my girlfriend of a different race and religion. Then they finally come to terms with it and every time you meet one of there friends they feel like they have to explain why I don't have children. They make sure they know I am married!! That's for sure...then they go on and on about how it's just not for me and how they look up to me for realizing what I want out of life and blah blah blah. I feel like a heel most of the time because I know in the back of their minds they're thinking..."why couldn't you be normal like all my friends kids?!?!" Actually my parents are cool with it (see, sounds like I'm gay). The wish I would have kids but they have grandchildren already so I'm guessing it's not that big a deal. But I still can't help but feel a little guilty.

Boy have I rambled tonight. I guess I have a lot to say, it's just finding the time. Maybe after I finish with my house (for the time being) I can sit and ramble a little more about what I do and think. Speaking of thinking....I think a lot about my Mother. We haven't spoken in almost three months. It's a really long story but I miss her dearly. Things happen in my life everyday that I want to share with her and I can't. I know I should just pick up the phone and call her but she said some very hurtful things. I probably said some things that were hurtful to her but it was the truth. I don't know where to go with all of this. I have NEVER been in a situation like this and have no idea on how to handle it. I have been given so much advice and most of it sucks. Anybody got any suggestions? I probably won't listen but it surely won't hurt.

Well, I'm gonna go see who's on Facebook...Later!

I almost forgot!

I almost forgot one thing I found this past weekend!

I saw it sitting on a table towards the back and I thought of my fellow blogger, Reynie,and I couldn't help but buy it. She, being Reynie, has this great collection of crosses hanging on one of her many decorated walls and I thought it would make a great addition!

Reynie, I will give it to my Dad who can give it to Angela who in turn can give it to you! Hope you like enjoy it!

Weekend Adventures

Wow! What a busy day today. I finally got a chance to sit down at a computer for a little bit of leisure time. Did everyone have a good weekend? I did! I went yard-sellin' all by myself. I hit 4 right her in the big city of Hampton and then I made my way down to a flea market that's about 2 miles away. Look what found at the second yard sale I came across.

As ya'll know, I have A LOT of dogs and that means A LOT of dog food. Well, I have been trying to find something that was not plastic and see through to keep all that food in. I found this old potato bin, painted it black (it was country blue, ick!) and wallah! A dog food bin!

One of my main finds of the day was a new coffee table for my living room. The old one was so big and took up so much space. I just bought a new rug ( a steal at target) and wanted something smaller so the rug could be seen. Take a look at this.

Its all beat up and scratched but it's perfect!! I almost cried when I saw it! It was ten bucks and it made my whole day! I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. ....to paint or not to paint....stain or not to stain.

One of my other great finds was this pitcher for three bucks.

I used it for a vase for some flowers I already had. Isn't it snazzy?

Now, just need to fin new end tables............