Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I'm not sure that anybody will even read this but it just feels good for me to write my thoughts. I have been going through a most impossible time in my life. I have no idea what my issues are and I am trying to solve them the best I can. I have badly hurt one of the most important people in my life and that is one of the most gut wrenching things to live through in life. My husband is a most wonderful man. He loves me to no end and would die for me. I have no doubts about that. Problem is, I don't love him. Those are some very harsh words to admit to yourself...let alone the world. It took me a very long time to say that outloud and once I did I realized that I had to move on to keep from making him miserable. He does not deserve to have half of a relationship, to have half of a wife, or to not have someone love him the way he should. I feel like a failure to him, to my parents and to God. I stayed with him for so long trying to make myself just love him, to make myself want to be with him. No matter what I did, I found myself back in the same situation. Do I have issues with love? Why is it so hard to allow someone to love me? My parents love me unconditionally yet I always find myself seeking there approval. When I feel the least little bit of guilt, that I did something wrong, that I have disappointed them in anyway, I can't face them. I tend to run from conflict. I never want to face my problems. If I run away, maybe they won't be there tomorrow. How can I learn to act right? I talk to God everyday yet I sometimes think he's not there. I feel no strength from him. Is it because I don't believe enough? Is it because I don't listen? My dogs are my strength in a way, and I don't even have them now. I can barley look at thier pictures without sobbing like a child. How can I not? They are the only beings in my life that do not judge me, not matter how fat, ugly, mad, sad or happy I am....they love me because I'm me. They look at me as if I am there world and they expect nothing from me but a meal and a pat on the head.

Wow, that felt good....my anxiety level is down ten-fold.