Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I'm not sure that anybody will even read this but it just feels good for me to write my thoughts. I have been going through a most impossible time in my life. I have no idea what my issues are and I am trying to solve them the best I can. I have badly hurt one of the most important people in my life and that is one of the most gut wrenching things to live through in life. My husband is a most wonderful man. He loves me to no end and would die for me. I have no doubts about that. Problem is, I don't love him. Those are some very harsh words to admit to yourself...let alone the world. It took me a very long time to say that outloud and once I did I realized that I had to move on to keep from making him miserable. He does not deserve to have half of a relationship, to have half of a wife, or to not have someone love him the way he should. I feel like a failure to him, to my parents and to God. I stayed with him for so long trying to make myself just love him, to make myself want to be with him. No matter what I did, I found myself back in the same situation. Do I have issues with love? Why is it so hard to allow someone to love me? My parents love me unconditionally yet I always find myself seeking there approval. When I feel the least little bit of guilt, that I did something wrong, that I have disappointed them in anyway, I can't face them. I tend to run from conflict. I never want to face my problems. If I run away, maybe they won't be there tomorrow. How can I learn to act right? I talk to God everyday yet I sometimes think he's not there. I feel no strength from him. Is it because I don't believe enough? Is it because I don't listen? My dogs are my strength in a way, and I don't even have them now. I can barley look at thier pictures without sobbing like a child. How can I not? They are the only beings in my life that do not judge me, not matter how fat, ugly, mad, sad or happy I am....they love me because I'm me. They look at me as if I am there world and they expect nothing from me but a meal and a pat on the head.

Wow, that felt good....my anxiety level is down ten-fold.

1 comment:

the undomesticated wife said...

Hi Natalie! I have you bookmarked, so I was glad to see a new post from you pop up.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. :( Life is so difficult sometimes, but you do the best you can. I've had my fair share of struggles too, especially the last year or two. Sometimes you feel like you're just going in circles. Prayer and good friends should help your heart! ((hugs))

I'm sorry to see you don't have your dogs anymore! :(

Take care! Blogging your feelings should help. I think it's therapeutic. Just hang in there, do the best you can!! ((hugs))